Why is this even called Oscars, I really don't know this, someone please tell me

Not long ago I was blissfully unaware that it is once again that time of the year where a bunch of slightly drunk people in some Hollywood theatre tell me which movies I should have liked. They rate them without releasing any information about their selection process and might actually just throw the dice to choose the winner, but I myself think that they have too high of an opinion of themselves to deny the world the knowledge about their sophisticated taste.

It is also that time of the year when EagleLeaf, my colleague and - at least I thought so until yesterday - friend, decides to blackmail me into posting who I think will be the winners. I guess his twisted mind takes pleasure in seeing his guesses mercilessly demolishing mine, knowing full well that I have in fact not seen a single movie made in 2013. Today I decided to stand up to this constant abuse. Today, I actually bothered to write about the Oscars.

Now there's a slight problem; I simply don't give a rats ass about them. I don't blame anyone who enjoys them, but to me the Oscars always were like some mediocre attempt at comedy by some celebrities. You will actually notice that I have absolutely no clue about what the categories are, in fact the mere knowledge that categories even exist cost me a great deal of exertion. This is the reasoning behind my decision to just make up my own categories. I know that a two-minute Google search would most likely have been sufficient in providing this information, but I just can't be bothered. Let's just get this over with.

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Best Movie of All Time: High School Musical II

Actually this should be a category for the real Oscars, as it would save us having to sit through this "event" - and I use that word in the same sense as a Guantanamo inmate might describe his recent waterboarding session - ever again.

Best Actor of All Time: Sir Timothy McBritish, MBE.

Because being British automatically makes you talented.

Best Thing Ever: This video.

Things you shouldn't eat: The International Space Station

Things that keep the doctor away: An apple a day

Things I don't care about: The Oscars 2014